The Scarlet Letter

let's tune out by turning on the radio

2008-02-26T02:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Christopher:

I wish I could write all my feelings about you in this letter. I really do. But love... it's so indescribible. This love is a step worse than that. It's as if our love is just that great.

For anyone who reads this, Chris is my boyfriend. Alex's friend... my boyfriend for the past five months. He's just absolutely amazing. My other piece. The other half of me.

It's just a classic case of: Once upon a time, I was so afraid to love you, but now I'm scared shitless to lose you.

That's basically how it is. And sometimes, I feel like I'm putting more into the relationship than he is, and that makes me feel like he's apathetic. And it hurts me. But I don't want to tell him that, because I'm scared that he'll take it the wrong way. It's weird. I can talk to him about so much more than that, but I have a problem like this and BAM. I'm mute or something. It's so bad. I hate it.

But other than that, everything big that could happen in my life has happened. I moved out of my mom's house, mind you I'm 16, I moved in with a friend. I'm officially a senior. And I'm graduating in May. I can't believe my life has changed so much in a little over a month. I'll update as soon as something new comes into my life... I love whoever sits there and reads this. I really do.

-Miranda Jade

(mood: tired, insomniac-like, very VERY sick x| )

I Never Asked For Your Opinion, I Just Got It

2007-09-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Whatever:

I'm tired. I hurt.

My hand's basically bleeding... And I just want all my pain and sadness to drip down with it. I want all my hurt... all my horrible mistakes and my horrible ways to bleed out of my body so I never have to worry about them.

The world can be sunshine and fucking rainbows.

And unicorns. Those two.

Stupid fucking animals. I hate them. They're so fucking stupid. God, I'm pissed off. I want the chance to be pissed of at someone and not let it be my fault too.

Because last night... that was me. I asked him for the kiss, and he granted my fucking wish. Just like it says in his damn poem.

Fuck this. I'm pissed off. I need a fucking cigarette. And I want to kick a certain person so fucking hard right now. FUCK.

Miranda Jade

(Mood: Self-Explanatory)

No I Will Not Sleep In This Bed of Lies

2007-08-24T10:31:00.001-07:00

Dear… Whoever. No wait. Dear Alex. And all my best friends:

I’ll first get out my thoughts about my friends. I was in psychology the other day and the teacher asked me to define normal. I thought about how, to me, there is no normal, no set definition.

But I thought: it’s different for everyone. Why am I sitting here criticizing everyone around me? All of them view normal from a different perspective.

And sometimes, I criticize my best friends, and I feel so bad about it. I realized that normal for Chelsea or Lana or Laney or anyone that I feel is close to me is a completely different thing than what I think of normal as. And I think now is the opportune time to apologize, but like I’ve said before, I don’t apologize because it shows regret. Without criticizing you all, I would never have come to this realization. So I don’t regret it, therefore, I am not sorry.

Secondly… Alex. What can I say about Alex? Let’s start here… Roman told me to stop thinking about him because it isn’t my biggest problem. That my homework was, so I can graduate and make a better life for myself. And I think… wow, he’s so right. Why am I thinking about Alex?

Wasn’t I the same person who said relationships were overrated? And I realize why casual flings are so much better than relationships… After a casual thing, you never literally hurt. You’re never in so much pain, you can’t say one sentence. You never want to cry and laugh at the same time. Cry about the fact that he’s not yours and laugh about how he WAS yours. Once upon a fucking time. For a casual thing, you never have to love the person. I wouldn’t have dated him again unless I loved him. That egocentric, blonde, pain-loving freak. I loved him once. Hell, I think I’m going to have a little love for him for all time. Because… it just seems wrong to forget your first love.

Ergo, I shall not forget you, Alex. I do love you, and hey, you want to be friends again? Nah, I don’t know if we’ll be the same. I wish we could. Truly, I do.

But if you do read this letter, will you tell me something? Why?

Why’d you cheat? Why did… why me? Why did you want me? Because I was one of the only people you knew that wanted you? Did you use me? Because I ask myself these questions everyday. Why did he pick a psychotic feminist over me?

What did I do wrong?

Or better yet… What was wrong with me in the first place?

Maybe I didn’t do anything. Maybe I was just a fucked up person in general. Maybe he took me because I wanted him and realized halfway in that I’m a fucking crazy person. Is that it?

Tell me why… a person with no heart can love? Or cry? Tell me why I’m fucking crying, will you? Because I can’t figure it out.

And while I’m sitting here, wondering if I’ll have enough credits to pass high school, crying, not believing how my life has changed in the past 3 years, you’re out there being happy with Whore… I mean, Morgan. So what if your parents know you smoke pot? Fuck it. You have who you love. Think that over.

Lay in your comfortable bed tonight with your Scooby and think… about how good your life is. How good you have it.

You’re so selfish.

Fuck I sound bipolar in this fucking letter.

Fuck this.

-Miranda Jade

(Mood: Can’t Be Explained)

everywhere i go

2007-05-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Whoever-

I feel like I write to Dear Whoever too much. Maybe I should find someone else to write to. Oh well. Best not dwell.

I’m sitting in a nursing home, and as I look around I wonder how these people, all of them, lived their lives. They grew up in such a different era.

I hate watching them , though. Because most of them shake. Most seem so helpless, and it makes me cry. I mean, not literally cry because, gee, I don’t have a heart. But if I did, I would be weeping like crazy.

I once watched one eating peaches. It was so depressing, because her hand kept shaking. I couldn’t believe it. How could this person live so dependently? I don’t know how they do it. Maybe it’s just my strong sense of pride, or maybe I’m just so incredibly judgmental that I can sit at the dining table on the outside of the room and thinking prejudice things about people I will never know.

But then again, I’m sitting here with many people, including Jamie (someone I went to elementary school with), and I’m listening to their stories. Someone is crazy as hell and my mom is so sarcastic, I’m afraid she’s turning into me.

But whatever. This is how I’m going to be in 60 years.

Fuck.

-Miranda Jade

(Mood: Excited? Still high…)

i was thinking you could have been something

2007-05-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Whoever,

I have realized something. I was sitting there thinking about how he denies it. And it hit me, like a slap on the face, but less violent.

This is my closure. I wrote after the first time a poem called “It’s Not Over”, and it was short, but it made the point of how my soul felt like it needed more. Or wanted…? I don’t know. I never will, but the thing is… this is my closure. This is the last page. After six months, this is my fucking end of the line. Epilogue? No, the last chapter.

After the first time happened, I didn’t know what it was that kept me holding on, but I just knew that something wasn’t right. There was a thread still hanging on. And this last time, it was like the scissors coming to free me. They did too.

I was free. I am free. Now it just seems like… everything is finally done. No more thoughts or memories or flashbacks. And maybe what I needed was to actually remember it. Maybe I needed to do it all over again to realize that I needed it in my memories. I needed clear memories. Is that crazy?

I don’t know. All I know is that it’s over. It’s closed.

I’m closing the lid on this book, because it’s over. The ending has come. No need to make any drama about it.

Thank you God.

-Miranda Jade

(Mood: Relieved)

been thinking little thoughts... attention to the details

2007-05-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear dear:

First off, I wrote this a long time ago... let's see, gee, at the beginning of the year!!

And you know what, Chelsea? I sent you an email yesterday and I don't think you ever got it. This is what it said:

'All you do is bitch at me for something I did in the PAST or bitch about someone that's always bitching about you. if you're just going to treat me like shit, some worthless object thats only there when YOU need it, then ill just stop being you're friend. its up to you, Chelsea. i dont care anymore. '

This is exactly why I quit believing in god. Why do I always get my hopes up? I put something into a friendship that's been building for years and I never get anything out of it. I don't get friendship or happiness. I get stressed and I get bitched at. wtf? Why should I have to care about that? Why should it be all up to me?

I was on the phone with Josh on his birthday... let's see the... 17th? And he asked me why I cared so much. And I just thought about it for a second and answered that I cared because he was my friend and that's what friends do. They care.

Apparently, someone should inform Chelsea of the definition of 'friend'.

-Miranda Jade

if you're listening... sing it back

2007-04-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is something I found on my server that I wrote a long time ago:

I have a theory. If you don’t love yourself, you are unable and completely incapable of loving another. This is my theory on love.

I think that Chelsea has problems with this. She says she loves Josh, which I believe. I love all my friends and I love some aspects of my life. I think this is the kind of love she is in. She is in semi-love with him.

Who could completely give their hearts away to someone, just one person, if most of their heart’s in the past?

She dwells. On the past, on the present, on the future. She thinks too hard sometimes, and other times, she doesn’t think at all. But when she thinks too hard, she’s over analyzing a lot that doesn’t need to be dwelled upon.

And when she doesn’t think at all, it’s when she says she doesn’t care and just to prove it, she does something stupid.

Or maybe I’m over analyzing all of this. Maybe it’s none of business. But I can’t sit by and watch her ruin her life, her relationships, and her love.

-Miranda Jade

living in your letters

2007-02-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

If you rearrange the letters in the first words, they come out as the second phrase. It's pretty cool. Read.

Presbyterian:
Best in Prayer

Astronomer:
Moon Starer

The Eyes
They See

The Morse Code
Here Come Dots

Slot Machines
Cash Lost in Me

Animosity:
Is No Amity

Election Results:
Lies- Let's Recount

Snooze Alarms:
Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point
Im a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:
That Queer Shake

Eleven Plus Two
Twelve Plus One

Mother in Law:
Woman Hitler

these are the last words im ever gonna get to say to you

2007-01-12T10:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Lana:

You love him so much, you'll give up without a fight? Now that's not the Lana I know. This is the Lana I know:

"That would be my boyfriend Kevin. My superman. I don't know what I'd do without him... I swear to it."

So... if you guys break up, then... what would you do? You'd just be perfectly fine... you'd move on even though you love him? You'd let him go out with someone else.

Hey you know that saying

"Every guy's a player until he meets the right girl."

See I don't think this is true. I think this is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. Every guy's a player no matter what because they're always something better coming around the corner. Right?

Hey Kevin, you can answer that question right? You filthy pig, I fucking hate you. You take Lana and you take her purity, you use her. And then you fucking throw her away.

It might not be my fight, but I care. Because I love Lana like you obviously don't.

And I hope you fucking choke and die.

Have a nice day.

-Miranda Jade

(Pissed, Obviously)

im sorry im bad

2006-12-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

This is a letter I wrote to Chelsea via e-mail. At first I was mad at her. Then I just wanted to get things out in the open and say that I'm sorry. Ready, go:

"I don't come over just for cigarettes. I don't think you realize that I don't care about them. Seriously, I don't. I don't know how to get you to comprehend.

I can't forget about you Chels. Do you know how many times I wanted to give you up? I just wanted to say fuck it and forget everything we'd been through. But I couldn't. I'm attached to you. I don't know why.

And you say that you tried to be a good friend. And I saw that. I saw your effort. I tried to do it back, but i don't think you saw that.

I did ask you to come over! And I ask you all the time after school if you want to come hang out... but you never want to. So I stopped asking. And it's not my fault my mom's less willing to let people come over. That's how she is. She's always been like that.

And the whole Juan thing... don't worry about it. I like that you've found a friend in him. I dont know exactly whats going on with Josh though. When I called you like... last saturday, I sasked you to call me and tell me about everything. but you didnt. so right now, all i know is that you want to break up with him. and i want you to know for sure its because you dont love him and not because you like juan. you say you want time to yourself. and earlier this week (sunday?) you said you were on the phone all weekend. thats not alone.

and juan sounds like a cool guy. he should come hang out with us... i wasnt trying to say that hes a bad guy or sounds like one... he sounds cool. i just dont want you to jump into a relationship you're not ready for. im just worried thats whats going to happen.

and im sorry about wednesdays night. my mom doesnt want me alone in the house becaue blah blah blah she's fucking crazy blah blah. so she was stuck asking your mom. im sorry if you dont want me over. im hoping these emails clear some things up. i really am sorry about everything thats happened. and im sorry we can't seem to make things work out."

But I realize that I'm not sorry about anything. I can't be sorry for my actions. I don't want to justify them but any means. I just want to live life without having to explain everything. Why is that so hard?

-MJ

(Mood: Hopeful, Slightly Pissed)

change

2006-11-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Whoever:

Something happened Saturday night that's big for me. I slept with Chelsea's brother. We were drunk and it was a total surprise, but we thought it'd be better if no one knew. Chelsea knew though and she told everyone! She just can't keep her mouth shut when it doesn't even concern her. It's just a new feeling though, this whole situation.

Like.. this is what I emailed Lana about how it feels.

"Everytime he comes home, you wonder if something would happen again. And you wonder if you'd stop him. You feel anxious because there'sa chance something might happen and the air is tense but somewhat familiar. And you wonder if he's looking at you when your back is turned, or if he's wondering what he'd do if something started happening. You want something to happen because i's something new and that's always better. And you're confused if he thought it was a big horrid mistake and wants it out of his mind, or if he'll think about it and learn from it. Sometimes you begin to think about what would have happened if this happened or if that happened... and your mind has "what if's" coursing through at an alarming rate and you hope to god you won't let yourself give in, but you want to let go so bad, it hurts."

And that's how it felt to be around Matthew the next day. Another thing I emailed Lana:

"It's just all these what if's. Sunday was all tense and when he came in, I froze. I couldn't move and my mind was going a million miles an hour. I just felt like a jacket hanging from a single thread, ready to fall at any time. And I felt like an ice cube,all frozen and stiff and not able to get up for the life of me... But you're wondering all of these things and it's like the next thing he says will determine the fate of your "relationship" or "problem" or whatever it is. And I want to be able to hang out with him, but things are so different now. I can't look at him the same, as much as I want to... When Matthew came in to Chelsea's house, nothing else existed. It was just him and me and the only other time I felt that was in his room. But the world just stopped spinning and it seemed like nothing mattered because things were so tense and so delicated. Like one word can ruin everything. I don't know what to with Chelsea, and I don't know how things are going to end up, but in those few moments, I was scared to death. I don't know what. I don't love him and I didn't love him Saturday night. It was just a moment and I was caught up, and soon I just didn't want to stop.

I can deal with the repercussions of my actions, and I don't want to run, but it's just so crazy right now.

I don't know what to do."

Miranda Jade

(Mood: Depressed and Confused)

truth of my youth

2006-10-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Whoever the Fuck Wants to Listen:

Mom and Dad want to get back together. If they weren’t parents, whatever decision they make wouldn’t be a big deal. But they have me.

I feel like if they make the wrong choice, they can’t just fix it. They would have me they were dragging around. I’m scared about that. It’s scary to think about how whatever my mom and dad want to do, I have to go along with.

My sister is an adult. I see her growing and changing as a person. I am still a kid, still dependent on my parents. I am changing too, but I’m stuck in once place of time although I am being stretched into a new being. Because I am still so dependent on them, I can’t venture into the world with a childlike wonder like my sister is. I wish for that to happen so much sooner than it will actually be. I really hope that eventually my mom can treat me like an adult and still telling me I’m just a kid and I can’t do anything about anything.

As a person, I feel like I’m late 20’s. I feel matured and more deep than some adults I know. Even at 15, I still feel like all I want is someone to hold me through the night. I want that kind of love where no matter what happens, that person will keep holding me. Earthquake, rain, bizarre, or alien attack, I’ll still be in the arms of someone who loves me. Is that so hard to ask?

As a child, I feel restricted. I feel like a caged lion. I feel like I need to break from my chains. To set foot onto a path anew and feel refreshed because I am my own person, independent and free. Even now, I need to break out of my cage and see the world from a new angle, because my sister is free to do what she wants, whereas I am not.

My biggest fear is that I will never break free.

Miranda Jade Hadden

(Mood: Scared and Observative)

i could tell from the minute i woke up it was gonna be a lonely day

2006-10-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Whoever-

Earlier I was extremely pissed off, but now I just want to cry.

People say I’m incredibly smart, but I’m really not. And today my mom and I were talking and she tells me that I act like I’m stupid when I’m not. I got pissed off at that. I yelled at her, telling her that I really wasn’t smart, that I was stupid and that everyone was too dumb to see that.

In an alternate universe, she would’ve told me that we could work through my problems and she would’ve hugged me and told me I was doing the best I could.

But this is not T.V. She didn’t do any of that. She told me that the school should hold me back a couple years, and, as I walked away, she screamed that if I wanted to have a life as a stupid dumbass, I was headed on the right path.

Isn’t she just the best parent?

So, in conclusion, I’m sad that I live with her. I want to leave so bad. I want to be with my dad, where he can be there for me, and we wouldn’t have screaming matches.

Oh I wish…

Miranda Jade Hadden

(Mood: Disappointed)

if you can't leave it be, you might as well make it bleed

2006-10-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Chels,

You’ve done it for the last time. No more using me. No more me being the perfect friend.

This is what you do. You bring up things from the past that I did to you to make me feel like shit. And apparently it works. But I’m there for you. I’m the shoulder you cry on. Not anymore.

I think your worst fear is losing someone who wouldn’t come back. Lana wouldn’t come back because she can’t take your shit anymore. So if you lost her, you’d never have her again. If you lost me, I’d probably run back to you. That’s how I am, I’m stuck to you.

This time, I can’t do it, Chelsea. I don’t know who you are anymore.

And you run away from things. From your problems. Hanging up the phone while someone is talking is one example, but even more than that, cutting is not an escape.

No matter who says that, or how many people. CUTTING IS NOT AN ESCAPE!!! It’s so simple. If it was an escape, there wouldn’t be scars that are there to remind you of the problem you had in the first place. I think that you know this, but you still want attention. That’s why you’re always going around showing people the shit that you did, and you flaunt it.

The truth is, I don’t care anymore. You aren’t the reason I’m staying in Kansas. I don’t care about what you do, because caring does nothing. I’ve realized this. You try to act apathetic toward everything, but you aren’t. You care about things people say to you or about you and you CARE that your friends are leaving you behind for better and more appreciative things.

Get help, Chelsea, for all of your problems. Stop running from them, treat people like people, and stop pretending you don’t care.

Miranda Jade Hadden

(Mood: Fucking Pissed)

dear friends at this academy

2006-10-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Whoever-

You know, I don’t know what to do right now. I feel like crying so much. I can’t be what everyone wants me to be. I can’t live up to the expectations.

My mom picked a good time to start being a mother. She never cared before. She never acted like she did. She’s told me more recently that she doesn’t. Today she told me to go take a shower. Like she actually has an effect on what I do, like she controls me. She doesn’t. Not anymore.

She brought this on herself. She never did anything to help me. She didn’t care; she didn’t raise me. She didn’t even want me to be me. She said she always pictured me a perfect little kid who does everything she’s told. She really told me that one day. She told me I wasn’t perfect and that she’d hated what I’ve become. That’s her problem.

I guess I really need to stop talking because it actually feels like I’m forcing this out, and I hate how that feels. So, I bid you ado. Goodbye and good night.

Miranda Jade Hadden

(Mood: Extremely Pissed and Somewhat Depressed)

rapid hope loss

2006-10-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Chelsea,

I’m feeling, quite basically, like shit right now. And in more detailed words, used, abused, neglected, and alone.

I understand that you have certain priorities right now. Whether it be boyfriend, school, family, friends: or family, boyfriend, friends, school, that doesn’t change the fact that this is not working out. I feel myself descending on that list at an increasing alarming rate. When you say you’ll call someone or even more importantly that you’ll care, you need to keep that promise.

Last night I called you scared to death and feeling more alone than ever, and you showed me how much you cared. I wanted to say that that meant something to me, but that would have rendered me utterly vulnerable.

It’s pretty sad when around you (my best friend), I have to have my guard up. I’m sort of scared for the future of our friendship.

I hope that we get this figured out. I hope even more that you change the little part of you that breaks promises. I wish that everything was like that first summer we started hanging out, when we were so obliviously innocent and incredibly stupid. At least we had each other.

Wishing for the best,
Miranda Jade Hadden

(Mood: Depressed, Hopeful)

don't tell me that this is your last chance to change

2006-10-30T11:47:00.000-08:00

Chels,

I'm sick of this. I don't want a mediocre friendship with you. I want someone to be there for me, and something I can be there for. You don't give me that. I wish you would just let go of Lana, because she's let go of you. She told me it herself, she's not happy with us as her friends. She wants something better. And so do I. While you were pining away for her, I was making a new friend that helped me realize there was more out there. And so there are.

I had really hoped you'd realize how much you've broken my heart. So our friendship was broken, so what? We could have fixed it, but you didn't want to. I'm so fucking sick of the shit you pull me through.

And your guys. Good god, leave them alone. You get so bored with things, and I'm so sick of you hurting your boyfriends and treating them like shit. Stick with someone. Don't break up with someone one day, then go out with someone else the next, and still be in love and make out with the first. Stop cheating on your boyfriends. Treat guys like people, and stop acting like they're your little toys.

Another thing, if you want a friendship in me, you need to act like it. Call me sometimes, and not at 7:00 in the morning because you need something of mine for school. Everytime I call you, you say "I'm on the other line, can I call you back?" And everytime, I agree. I'm so fucking sick of you Chelsea.

I hope you have realized how much I have been hating you lately. Your actions will affect my decision to stay or leave. It's all up to me now, Chelsea. If I want to move, all I have to do is say when. And I'm slowing changing my first decision.

In conclusion, you suck. I will hate you now, and forever. So please don't call me or talk to me ever again.

Have a great day,

Miranda Jade Hadden.

(Mood: Pissed off)

she's gonna break soon

2006-10-30T11:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Laney, Lana, and Chelsea,

I don’t know where my life is going. It seems to be rolling downhill, and I feel like everyday is an uphill struggle I’m not winning. Nothing I do is good enough. I’ve cleaned up my room so much in the past two days. I’ve tried getting my grades up so much and I just can’t do it. I feel like I’m going to break.

I think I’m going to move to my dad’s. Mom is making me crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish she’d just kill me so dad would have a real reason for being so angry with her. I like being independent. I like her not being here; Dad doesn’t and he wants me there to end this suffering.

The truth is, I’m not a good writer. I suck. I just try to put meaning into my life and it’s not working out. I don’t even write stories anymore. I write stupid little wannabe books about Hanson. Where’s that going to get me in life? It’s a first class ticket to nowhere.

I am not talented. I can’t play guitar for shit and I don’t even know the names of keys on my keyboard. My songs are all about love and I don’t know love. I don’t even know what love feels like. Like, Chelsea had Nick and I’m sure that was so great. And Lana has Viny, and he loves her so much, or else he wouldn’t have talked to her again after that Marcus thing. I don’t know about Laney. I mean, what does she love? I don’t know my friends anymore. I don’t even know myself anymore.

I’m so ugly and fat and I’ll never get anyone worth writing a song over.

I’m crying so bad right now and I can’t really feel anything.

I just got off the phone with Dad. I told him I don’t want to move because of you guys. I love you three so much. I couldn’t live without you. (Just so you know, I can’t see anything because my eyes are so clouded with tears. It’s so blurry.) He told me I was being irrational. He asked me, “Why stay there for friends you aren’t even going to have in a few years?” I can’t stand that. Just promise me you’ll be there for me after high school. God, I need you guys so much.

He kept saying that it was all bullshit, what I was saying. He said once that he was getting a headache. I was just like… ‘Oh, well I thought he was someone I could just vent to, but I guess not.’

I kept telling him how I couldn’t leave because Chelsea is suicidal and I know she’d hurt or kill herself if I left. I’m so scared. I don’t want anything to change. I want everything to be normal. I don’t know what that is, but I want it so bad. I don’t think normal is as overrated as everyone says. I think it’s just perfect.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m such a mess. Zacky is laying right beside me because he’s scared too. I can feel it. He just wants to comfort me.

I don’t know what to say. My dad is trying to help me, but I just want control over my life and the events in it. And my mom. I just wish that she’d say that she’d miss me. That she’d blink before telling me that she can’t stand me.

The most I can say is that I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how to feel or what to think about all this. I just know that everything’s a mess. And I feel like I’m falling apart.

-Miranda Jade

(Mood: Suicidal)

About This:

2006-10-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

As a way to show everyone what I think about when no one else is around, I am posting personal letters to myself and/or my friends and family. I'm scared of letting others read these letters because they tell me so much that I can't tell any of my friends, but I'd like everyone to be able to crawl into the dark corner of my mind and understand and maybe even relate. Please, no one get mad at me for anything I'd written in the past. These are the letters I've written so far. This will be at the bottom of the page, and the letters are posted from most recent at the top and least recent at the bottom above this, if you haven't already figured that out.